It’s not only women who want #OrgasmsForAll, and who believe that males and females should have equal rights to orgasmic delights. Many men – all those who are caring, decent and deserving partners – also strongly stand by the conviction that sex should be as fantastically fun and superbly satisfying for ladies as it is for gents, and they’re just as concerned with how to make a woman orgasm as much as they are their own ‘guymax’.
Their motivations for wanting to make her orgasm aren’t solely down to politics and gender equality, either. For lots of men, knowing that their lover is having a brilliant time with them between the sheets hugely enhances their own enjoyment of sexual play. Witnessing (and feeling) a woman orgasm can be an incredibly intimate, intensely erotic and deeply bonding experience, and knowing you’re able to deliver those fabulous feelings to her can be an enormous ego boost.
Sometimes giving a lover an orgasm isn’t straightforward, especially as not all women are wired the same way: what works well for one may leave another numb, and it’s frequently as much about pleasing her mind as well as her body.
However, the following guidance should get guys on the right track, and ensure that the process of exploring and experimenting is in itself pleasurable and positive for both parties.
- Set the scene to make her feel ‘SSS’: Safe, Sensual and Stress-free
Many women report that their ability to orgasm depends on how they feel emotionally as well as physically. Aim to create – and maintain - an atmosphere in which she feels safe and comfortable enough to truly relax and let go, where she’ll feel sexy and free, not nervous, rushed or judged.
Mess can distract some people from being able to focus on pleasure, so try to make your bedroom a calm, clean, serene space. Keep it a cosy temperature (you want to give her goosebumps through excitement, not cold!), and have a couple of cushions handy that you can use to prop up her hips: this can give better access to the G-spot in positions where she’s laying down. Pop silky satin or furry covers on them to add an extra element of sexy sensation against her skin.
- Harness the power of the shower
Sharing a shower is an excellent way to start sexual play. It helps you both unwind, and can make her feel more confident that she’s clean and fresh before up close ‘n’ personal activities like oral sex. There is absolutely nothing dirty, shameful or unattractive about a healthy woman’s vaginal secretions, but a warm wash together erases any worries she may have about being sweaty after a long day.
- Make sure the kissing ain’t missing
Take your time losing yourselves in a long, indulgent kissing session before you move anywhere below the belt. Kisses have been proven to lower anxiety, reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol, and increase the amounts of the ‘contentment chemical’ serotonin in the brain. All this adds up to a more laid-back ladyfriend, who’ll be more in the mood for love.
- Lavish praise on her lower regions
When you’re both ready for you to head south, make sure the first thing you do when your attention reaches her genitals is tell her how good they look to you. Try saying something like “Wow, you know, your body is absolutely gorgeous.” Women’s bits come in all different shapes, sizes, colours and degrees of frilliness, and heartbreakingly, too many females fret that their parts aren’t pretty. Making it obvious that you love what you see and feel privileged to have access to such a private area can ease any concerns she may have about feeling exposed.
- Combine oral sex with aural sex
Equally, make sure she hears plenty of reassuring praise about how she smells and tastes when you’re going down on her, as this too can be a source of anxiety that can prevent women from letting go and thus block their ability to feel glorious. Try telling her “You taste delicious” or “Your scent drives me crazy”. A dab of flavoured lube like Durex Play Passion Cherry can help put her mind at rest if she’s still nervy about her natural fluids (and add a touch of playful tasty fun!).
- Don’t promise to make her orgasm – just pledge to give her a good time
Even if your intentions are admirable, declaring that you’re “going to make her orgasm tonight,” or similar, can unintentionally put pressure on a woman to feel like she has to perform, and that if she can’t climax, she’ll disappoint or upset you. Instead, try saying something like “tonight I want to make you feel as great as possible, and I’d love you to tell me what you like and what feels best”. Encourage her to feel A-OK about communicating with you about her mood, her tastes and her desires...
- Better communication = better sensation
…and when it comes to communication, try to avoid questions like “Is that good?” – your lover may find it excruciatingly awkward to reply “Well, actually, nope!”.
Instead, try asking constructive Qs without yes/no answers, such as “Harder or softer?”; “Faster or slower?”; “Would you like to try a different position or stay right there?” Giving options like this encourages your partner to express what she’s truly thinking and wanting. If she requests that you change something, don’t take it as a criticism; say “OK, I’m going to do X now, but keep telling me how it’s all feeling.” By keeping the feedback coming, you’re more likely to discover what makes her orgasm.
- Use music to measure minutes
While it’s common to take up to 20 minutes or more for a woman to orgasm*, some ladies sadly feel as though they’re being overly demanding by expecting a man to stimulate them for that period. Pop some music on, and tell your partner “I’m going to please you for at least until the next six tracks have played” (so around the 20-min mark). This permits her to relax into things, knowing that the pleasure isn’t going to stop unexpectedly, and also helps you ensure you give her your full concentration for a decent amount of time without clock-watching (which can make it seem like you’re getting bored, even if in fact you’re trying to be attentive and thorough!).
- Use smart bits of bedroom kit to give you an advantage
New Durex Intense Orgasmic condoms are specially textured on the outside to increase stimulation for her during intercourse, and are also coated with a multi-effect gel that gives thrilling tingling, cooling, or warming sensations and increases the sensations of intimate areas, enhancing how fabulous each thrust and stroke feels. Of course, coaxing out a women orgasm often takes more than sliding on a clever condom, but innovations like this combined with taking care to put her at ease and discovering the physical techniques and positions that personally suit her body give you an A+ chance of helping her achieve an O!
Similarly, consider the Durex Intense Bullet vibrator, a useful gadget that’s on your side when it comes to leaving your lady satisfied. Guys can sometimes feel threatened by sex toys, and view them as ‘potential penis replacements’ or ‘competition’ when in fact, they’re not the enemy, they’re allies – tools that support you in becoming an even better lover. Try using the bullet on her clitoris while you go down on her to really turn up the heat!
* Masters, William H.; Johnson, Virginia E.; Reproductive Biology Research Foundation (U.S.) (1966). Human Sexual Response. Little, Brown.