How To Ask Your Partner for What You Need to Orgasm


Unless you’re a mind reader, figuring out how to give your partner an orgasm requires some honest communication — and the same goes for your own pleasure.


We get it. It’s natural to feel a little shy or uncomfortable requesting certain things for the first time, but more often than not, your partner will be happy to oblige if they know it turns you on.

Communication is the foundation of every relationship, so let’s start having the same kind of open, honest conversations when it comes to what you want physically.

WHY YOU SHOULD ASK

It brings you closer together.

Truth is, the better the sex you have with each other, the more you’ll want to be with each other. Learning how to give your partner an orgasm, and vice versa, is a deeply intimate (and yes, vulnerable) experience — but it can also really help strengthen your relationship.

Asking brings emotional satisfaction, too.

It’s really fulfilling to know that someone trusts you enough to open up about their most intimate desires. Not only does it represent your sexual attraction to one another, it’s also a sign of true comfort and confidence — and those feelings will extend far beyond the bedroom.

Requests go both ways.

The more you ask, the more comfortable your partner will feel about making their own requests. (They may have been holding back from asking you!) Take the lead and soon, you might discover how to give your partner an orgasm that’s just as good. Bring on the possibilities!

WHAT YOU SHOULD ASK

Create a sexual wish list

And be specific! If you know what kind of moves, scenarios, or sex toys will help you achieve more orgasms, spell them out clearly. The more honest you are, the more likely your partner will be able to deliver on them. If you’re not sure where to start, spend some time pleasuring yourself and take notes on the specific movements that get you going. You can even let your partner watch for some added excitement.

Which position?

We all have different preferences when it comes to positions. Some work really well, and others just don’t seem to do it for our bodies. Let your partner know which ones you love (and don’t) so they can be the ones to initiate them in future sessions. Fun tip: dedicate a single session to trying out several different positions one after the other, just for comparison’s sake.

Request by pace and pressure.

Help your partner understand what you need to have an orgasm by asking what pressure? Hard, soft, gentle, or rough? Rhythm? Slow or fast, regular or variable? Crucially, what extras can really help you tip over the edge; a deep kiss, talking dirty, or maybe a special lube for some added sensations? Let them know!

HOW YOU CAN ASK

Find the right words.

All these vulnerable conversations become a whole lot more comfortable when you speak the same sex language. Play “What do you call this?” where you and your partner point to different ‘bits’ or act out different movements. Keep trying different words and phrases until you find the terms that feel comfortable for both of you.

Find the right time to ask.

When you ask is just as important as how you ask. For example, your partner will probably be a lot more receptive in the evening versus bringing up your special requests in the middle of their work day. Instead, wait until you’re both already relaxed, aroused and in the mood — then try exchanging “What I really want you to do to me…” to make asking questions part of foreplay.

Don’t be embarrassed.

If saying your requests out loud feels awkward, try whispering them softly into your partner’s ear. Guide with “Yes… yes there… yes more”. Use codes, where 1 means ‘Ok” and 10 means “spectacular’. Or abandon words altogether and direct the action with moans and whimpers.

Be patient.

However good your lover is, they probably won’t instantly learn how to help you come. So treat this process as an ongoing project, and be prepared to guide, encourage and cheer on as needed. Teaching and learning how to make your partner orgasm in new ways takes time, but it’s very worth your while.

A final P.S.

Voicing your desires shouldn't be a one-time deal. You’ll have different needs at different times … when you’re more stressed or more relaxed… as you get older or after children arrive. So once you’ve had the courage to ask… keep asking!

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