How do I ask my partner for what I really need in order to have an orgasm
Please, please, do ask for what you need to have an orgasm. You feel scary, embarrassing or selfish, but asking is one of the best ways not only to get your climax, but also build your relationship. (Which actually means it’s the very opposite of selfish!)
WHY YOU SHOULD ASK
Pleasure brings you closer. Truth is, the better the sex you have with each other, the more
you’ll want to be with each other. But if you’re not getting what you need, you won’t be maxing the pleasure - so you won’t be maxing the closeness.
Asking brings emotional satisfaction too. Sharing your needs shows you trust your partner enough to open up. It shows you believe they can - and will - deliver what you need. And, when they do deliver (and you get off on that), it builds the feeling that you have a real partnership.
Requests go two ways. The more you ask, the more your partner will feel able to ask too. (They may have been holding back from asking you!) Take the lead on requests and your lover will be more likely to open up and tell you what they want. Bring on the possibilities!
WHAT YOU SHOULD ASK
Get a wish list The clearer you are about what you need to have an orgasm, the more effective your requests will be. So first, get a reminder of what feels good by pleasuring yourself to climax - and from that, make your wish list. Even better, let your partner watch while you come, so they get an even clearer idea of what’s needed
Which position? Most of us know our favourite positions, and also know the ones that never work. And we’re not just talking intercourse here, but what position you need for the best hand and oral sex. Why not play a game of trying lots of different positions in the same session, then making a list of the top three that do it for you.
Go into detail The more specific you get, the more your partner will learn. So what movement really makes it happen for you? Help your partner understand what you need to have an orgasm by asking what pressure? hard, soft, gentle, rough? Rhythm - slow or fast, regular or variable? Crucially, what extras can really help you tip over the edge; a deep kiss, talking dirty, a nibble on your ear lobe?
HOW YOU CAN ASK
Find the best words. You need to both be happy with the vocabulary you’re using. Play
“What do you call this?” where you and your partner point to different ‘bits’ or act out different movements. Keep trying different words and phrases until you feel comfortable.
Watch the timing. Intimate conversations in the cold light of day can be awkward. Instead, wait until you’re both already aroused and in the mood - then try exchanging “What I really want you to do to me…” to make asking part of foreplay
Use the right tone. If saying your requests out loud feels icky, try whispering them softly into your partner’s ear. Guide with “Yes… yes there… yes more”. Use codes, where 1 means ‘Ok” and 10 means “spectacular’. Or abandon words altogether and direct the action with moans and whimpers.
Keep it positive. Asking a partner *not* to do something isn’t only a mood-breaker - it also won’t educate them in what they need to know. So rather than ‘Don’t…”, try “Pleeeease do…” As they oblige, up your response so they know when they’re getting it right.
Don’t expect instant results. However good your lover is, they probably won’t instantly learn how to help you come. So see all this as ongoing coaching - be prepared to guide, encourage and cheer on as needed.
A final PS. Requesting shouldn’t be a one off. You’ll need different pleasures at different times … when you’re more stressed or more relaxed… as you get older or after children arrive. So once you’ve had the courage to ask… keep asking!
Susan Quilliam coaches, writes, teaches and consults on sexual intimacy. She is the author of the New Joy of Sex, sex and relationships agony aunt for Fabulous magazine, resident psychological advisor for the Sexual Advice Association; she also serves on the Council for Sexuality and Sexual Health of the Royal Society of Medicine.