Check out this article to learn about first time tips by Lindsay Kenna, a certified sexologist!
This question is so common and the answer isn’t straight forward. If you do some reading online, you’ll see that answers can vary from the number of dates you’ve had to how long you’ve been in a relationship. I don’t think either of those are truly reflective of how long you need to be with someone before becoming sexual because it is different for every person and every relationship! Instead of focusing on how long you’ve been with your partner, think about why you would want to start a sexual relationship with them. What does sex mean to you and what would it mean for the relationship? Check in with yourself and your partner about being ready for this next step and have discussions about what this could look like for the two of you. Another piece to consider is how are you feeling about your partner? Do you feel connected to them? Has trust developed between the two of you? Are you excited about being intimate with them? Do you love or care for them? Feeling vulnerable is natural in sexual experiences and so having an emotional connection to your partner contributes to feeling comfortable in your first time. In short, it’s not so much how long you have been with someone that tells you when to start having sex, but rather why you would want to, what it would mean for the relationship and for you, and how you are feeling about your partner that gives you an idea as to when to have sex.
I'm afraid my partner will leave me if we don't do it, but I'm not sure I'm ready yet
If you don’t feel that you are ready for a sexual relationship, then it’s not the right time to start one. You want to make sure that you feel good about sex and your relationship and if you are worried your partner will leave, then that could be a red flag that this person is not the one for you. You shouldn’t feel pressured into doing something you aren’t ready for by the potential that they will end the relationship. Threatening to end a relationship if sex isn’t happening is manipulative and also quite childish. It almost seems like a kid throwing a tantrum because they aren’t getting their way, and you definitely don’t need that to be the way you start having sex. Having a sexual relationship isn’t just based on the wants of one partner, but should be something both partners enter into because it is something they both are ready for. If your focus stays on the idea that your partner will leave, it will be challenging to be in the present moment with them and feel that intimate connection. Communication in relationships is important and talking about sex is something that should be happening before the two of you actually start having sex. Check in with yourself about how you are feeling in this relationship and if you feel like this is a relationship you want to continue being in, bring up your concerns to your partner. This could open the door to many more open conversations about your future relationships and sex. Hopefully they are able to listen to how you are feeling, validate your emotions and reassure you that they won’t be ending the relationship. If they can’t do this, they weren’t the right person to be in a relationship with.
BY LINDSAY KENNA
Want to learn more about Lindsay Kenna?
Lindsay Kenna is a certified Sexologist and a Registered Social Worker. She has been providing individual, relationship and sex therapy for the last 7 years out of a private practice called Bliss Counselling.